Jim Smiley and His One-Eyed Cow - por Catherine e Joel

“Now, thish-yer feller Smiley, had him a one-eyed cow that didn’t have no tail only just a short stump like a bannanner and this one time, he thought of makin’ some profit outta that.

Yer see, Smiley was come here to the tavern one night, and so much did he drink he only got half-way home. I reckon his feet could take ‘em no longer, so he lay himself in the fields and fell arsleep as soon as he lay on the ground. He was so sound arsleep, he tells me, he was dreamin’ he taken a swim, on account er feelin’ so wet and cold. But that won’t no water. As he opens his eyes he sees a big sloppy pink tongue lickin’ his face. It was a cow!

‘Darn cow’ says he ‘Get off me!’ and comin’ to his feet, stumblin’ a little, he takes a better look at the cow. It was a mighty fine animal, a nice white with brown patches. But it had a short stump fer a tail, and was missin’ its better eye.

So lookin’ about him and seein’ no one around, Smiley thinks o’ takin’ the cow with ‘em. But no more than two steps did he take, when a stone the size of an apple was thrown at his feet! It was a black boy! He was so surprise’ he fell on his arse, as the black kid come runnin’ to him. He says to Smiley ‘Whar is yer takin’ that cow?’

But the black kid won’t much steady on ‘is feet, he smelled like ‘ed been adrinkin’. So Smiley says: “Ah, what would I want this ‘ere cow anyways? It ain’t got no tail, and it can’t see right.”

“Shucks, it ain’t no use to talk to you, white man! You see wust than that cow. That cow is magic, mister! She answers things you dasn’t know, things to come and things to be. One ‘moo’ yes, two ‘moo’ no.”

Smiley’s eyes sparkled with money! He could go on to betting with this ‘ere cow, so he gave the little negro a bottle of liquor he ‘ad on him, and took the cow in exchange. The boy seemed glad and sad about the bottle, but took it anyhow, and last Smiley saw ‘em was sittin’ himself back down and takin’ a sip.

After that, Smiley tried the cow out, asked’er questions, and the cow mooed and mooed. So he walked around town with old Peggy Neill, as he’d baptized’er, and he mounted her as of she were a horse. So people called him cowboy Smiley, and laughed, but he laughed right back and took no notice.

One day, he was ‘ere in the tavern, and old Peggy Neill was outside, tryin’ to eat some cabbages from Miss Winkle’s stand, and in comes a little man. He was a short and hunched little guy from those British Indias of the Far East and was limpin’ pretty bad, but it seems that he had been a’limpin all his life. So he come in and says “There be a majestic one-eyed cow out there!” and he chuckled with delight. Smiley took his chance “That there be my cow. Mighty fine beast, don’t you reckon?”

“The finest goddess I’ve ever seen, Baba!”

“Makin’ fun of me, ain’t ya? I can tell yer that there cow has a gift. She can answer any question yer ask her. I wage you 50 dollars she does.”

“I see! Sacred cow, Baboo! The most pure deity, above the Brahmins themselves! The one eye she has must be a special one.”

“That’s the truth, little feller. Make fun of her, if yer wish, but I bet sixty dollars she’ll answer anythin’ yer ask her!”

“I bet she likes tandoori nan,” says the Indian man, leavin’ the tavern, runnin’ all excited with his little limpin’ legs, takin’ some dry pieces of bread from his satchel. As everybody went outside, we found the midget happily feedin’ Jim Smiley’s cow. That Indian, Aadam Aziz was his name, was delighted feedin’ old Peggy Neill with strange food: gurs, channa, chapatti... And then he tried to sell it to us, and everybody wanted to try that strange food old Peggy liked so much, mooin’ each time she wanted more. And, darn me, it was good, especially that chatni I bought from him. I still have some if yer want to give it a try.

In the middle of all this, was Smiley angered for not makin’ any bets, while the Indian midget kept sellin’ food, makin’ more money than ‘im, and paintin’ Peggy Neill with all kinds of colors and flowery drawings, tyin’ bells and red ribbons around her neck and arse, and Peggy Neill was all cheerful, shakin’ her butt to play the bells and mooin’ all day long, with the attentions of her new friend, followin’im everywhere.

“C’mon, Peggy,” called Smiley, tryin’ not to lose his temper, “it’s time to go, old gall. Come with me, now.” But the cow ignored him and walked closer to Aadam Aziz. “Peggy Neill! C’mon now, haughty madam! Playtime’s over!” Smiley kept sayin’, tryin’ to pull her by the ribbons on her neck.

“Arré baap!” yells Aadam Aziz, shocked when he notices what Smiley’s doin’ to the cow. “One must not order cow to obey. Cows must be free, especially such an old wise cow like this!”

“Peggy Neill is mine and I paid good booze for her! Stop spoilin’er, little man. If yer don’t wage any bet, let us go now.”

“You said she answers any question. Let her decide then. Ask her if she wants to stay or if she prefers to go!” Jim Smiley knew right then he’d been fooled by his own tongue, but the smart Indian was aware of Smiley’s weakness and said somethin’ Smiley’d never refuse: “I wage you 70 dollars she wants to stay, Baboo.”

Right away, Jim Smiley looked Peggy in the eye and asked ‘er softly “How’s it gonna be, Peggy Neill. Yer wanna stay, old gall?” And she mooed just once. He waited a while longer for another moo, which never came, and, without a word, Jim Smiley turned his back on her, paid his debt and walked away by himself. That was the last time I ever saw him, poor feller. That man was torn by grief.

Meanwhile, Aadam Aziz kept feedin’ Peggy Neill with dahi and delicious kasaundies we’d have to pay well for. Even nowadays, everybody remembers how good was Aadam Aziz’s bottled Djinn. I bought a dozen of those bottles myself and, Dear Lord, I sold’em all in one day. Peggy Neill was as enchanted by his oriental charms as anybody else, while he made a fortune for himself. One night, he said he dreamed of bein’ a crorepati, whatever that is, and he couldn’t stay much longer if he wanted to reach for that dream. I believe him. Nobody had much more money to keep payin’ for Aadam Aziz’s goodies. His business wouldn’t last much longer and he left that night, leavin’ old Peggy Neill arsleep.

The next morning, when she woke up, she was just a lonely old cow, left all by herself in the world. Slowly, the rain washed off the colorful paintings of her fur and she was just a poor one-eyed cow with a red ribbon and a rusty bell tied to her stump-tail. As long as she lived, we’d ask her if she wanted somethin’ to eat, but she always refused, mooin’ twice to each offer. One day she disappeared, and I guess it was that black boy who took the better, since all travelers would talk about a negro boy with a red ribbon tied to his neck, callin’ his clients with a bell, tradin’ jerky meat for booze.

“O, yes, I met that boy too, on my way to this minin’ camp.” I said, interrupting old Simon Wheeler, feeling my patience coming to an end. “Quite a cheeky drunken kid, I must say! What a sad life. Well, it’s time to go...”

“O, no! Not a sad life at all! You see, that negro boy isn’t such a boy anymore. He’s a grown man now and he ain’t a drinker no more.”

And so, he cornered me again, beginning another tale. However, it is not possible for me to recollect that last narrative, since I fell asleep by the stove, numbed by the tone of his voice telling me another endless story."